It was the best of times, it was the worst... My brief visit to NY for my dad's 80th Birthday

Before anyone I went to Jr. High and found me on Facebook screams at me - believe me. I wanted to see you. I wanted to call everyone I know in NY. But it was the spur of the moment decision to go for a short trip for my dad's 80th birthday and then to see my mother- something I have been avoiding for a few years now.

I took Lorianne for her first trip to NYC and apologized profusely every minute of every day that her first visit to the Big Apple would be to see my crazy old relatives. She is a good sport.

Her first impression of NYC: Our luggage arrived on another flight (yes we are writing very angry letters to American Airlines about how our luggage was late and they lost all my crown jewels and flatscreen TVs I had in them worth millions of dollars.) This caused us to sit in JFK till 11:30 pm which then caused us to arrive at a Jamaica subway station at 1:00 am where Lorianne saw a rat on the tracks. In all my years in NYC I never saw one. For the rest of the trip she looked at all the tracks, poised with her camera, excited and hopeful.

Things were better the next 2 days because: My 80 year old NY Jew, foul mouthed, sexist, slightly racist father has a 60 year old African American girlfriend. This made my entire life. Also he is a hypochondriac and Lorianne is a germaphobe so they got on splendidly, comparing notes in a diner about whether one should not drink from a straw and because you'd get excess gas, or indeed use the straw so as to avoid touching your lips to the diner glass itself. When she offered to pay for breakfast, he said, "You try and I'll stab you," to which she answered, "You looking for a fight, old man?" The bond was permanently formed.

It went uphill from there. MY highlight was going to FAO Schwartz where Lorianne danced on the "Big" piano and I built and made my very own muppet (who I then named Ted). As we rode trains and looked for rats, visited the best candy store in the world, walked all over Manhattan for hours, and met my brother and his GENIUS daughter, things were looking up. My niece engaged in a political conversation with us on her views on Obama from last year, (when she was in 1st grade!) and I looked very smug. I had warned Lorianne that New Yorkers were smarter than West Coast people. I told her to go brag to my brother about her third graders who just seem to cry and masturbate. We then saw the longest running Broadway show, the Statue of Liberty... she took over 100 photos (none of rats but many of things she remembered from the show "Friends") and we ate more candy.

The trip took a darker turn when we rented a car and spent a short time with my disabled mother in Queens. We took her and her friend out and Lorianne was a real trouper, as she set up the DVD player I bought my mom and drew very large, easy pictures to show my mother and her aide how to operate it. This will be hit or miss as I saw my old 1981 15-ton VCR with half the parts missing still in my old room. We also took her to Red Lobster and she learned that she could ride a little cart all around Target and recall her younger, more active days (my mother, not Lorianne.) We tried to make her happy, and forgo'd? forwent a shower as it had a little old lady seat and some sort of catheter tube thingy hanging from the shower head. I wondered how her aides showered and Lorianne reminded me that they didn't even have to, since my mother doesn't have a sense of smell.

Besides Lorianne spilling water on my laptop- but it's fixed now and it was covered under warrantee!!! - things got better. I loved seeing snow, hearing people curse, eating off of everyone's plate, seeing my dad be the softest he's ever been with a very sweet woman, knowing my mom has something new to make her happy, and I have a niece who can take on Glenn Beck.

I love thee, NY.

Lorianne, Ted and I will miss you, but it's also good to be home.