A Different Kind Of "Bucket List"

My mother had a stroke long before I was born. She was not incapable or anything, but she had a bad memory, which led to a bit of insecurity, and she lost her sense of smell. As hard as I tried to keep their marriage together at the tender age of 9 months, my parents still got divorced and my dad moved out. My older brothers followed after many years and from sophomore year on, I was the only one at home. At times I tried to talk about some of my issues, but a few relatives told me it was harder on them as they knew her before the stroke, and some who had left, didn’t really want to think about it. My mother had it rough, I felt I had to not take my stuff out on her, but where would I dump it? I needed a “bucket,” someone not involved, who could just hear my crap, let me get it out, and then it would flow through them. It wasn’t their problem anyway. And the one thing I learned from science is that “Matter is neither created not destroyed, it merely changes shape.” This meant that my anger, resentment and frustrations would come out some way, so why not into a figurative bucket, held by a good friend, emptied and reset for later?

I became sensitive to this issue of a “bucket.” For example, when a friend’s mother was dying of cancer, she had to be strong for her mother- and her father. And all of the family members had their own issues to deal with. So I told her I’d be her bucket. She could vent her feelings out to me, a person who loved her mother, but was more removed, so that she could go back and then be strong for everyone else again. I also did this recently with a friend whose wife was about to have a baby. The pregnant woman had it rough, and my friend had to deal with all of the craziness and frustrations, so I called every now and then and said, “How is it for you?” I held the bucket, my friend emptied, and then went back to being the supportive one.

So recently, I spoke to a 7th grade girl whom I love. Who has slightly “dramatic” reactions to issues in classes sometimes, and for a 7th grader, that’s normal, but her reactions get her in trouble. I told her about my bucket idea, and that if anything happened at school - like if she felt that a teacher was not being fair - for her to not explode, but to come to me, and I’ll hold the bucket. I would try (it is hard for me) not to try to fix it or advise her, but to just listen and hold it until it flowed away. She asked how it was that it flowed away, and I said, because I wasn’t emotionally involved, I could listen without getting triggered. We made that agreement and on the first day of school she used it.

On the third day of school, I had had some very challenging events occur, and was overwhelmed and feeling emotionally gutted. I went in early and thought of this girl, and how what I would want is one of her hugs. I found her and said, “I’m miserable and need a hug.” She gave me a hug and said, “Now I’m your bucket.” I smiled and said, “Yes, we’re bucket buddies.”

That reinvigorated me.

Perhaps we should all make a new kind of “Bucket List.”