Goodbye Tudors. (A Rated PG-14 blog for sexual content)

As we say goodbye to “The Tudors” for the second time (the first was over 400 years ago) I am filled with mixed feelings. I loved the show and yet also had a few issues with it, the least of which was that I kept watching, hoping to learn things I could bring into my Middle Ages Class that I taught to 7th grade Orthodox Jewish boys, but with lovely scenes like the one where Henry whacked off while the “Royal Spluge Catcher” held the royal spluge bowl under him, I saw that this was not to be. I also wondered what that guy told his son’s class on Career Day. “Well, Harold, the King has certain stresses he needs to let go of and daddy… um… catches it.”

Besides the amazing employment opportunities that we don’t even consider in this Recession world, I have two other beefs (or muttons) with the show.

1. It’s called “The Tudors” and yet it starts and ends with Henry VIII. This really pisses me off. Hollywood has taught me that he had a few other kids and they took over, so why end with his death? It should be called “Henry VIII And His Serious Romantic Issues” since that’s all it was about. And it let me down. I know I can rent “Elizabeth” and see what comes next but all the “Darrening” (see previous blog) and having different actors play all the parts would confuse me. Come on Showtime, a few more seasons to show the Tudors, not just Henry.

2. And I share this anger with a nice Irish beautician: For four seasons Henry has had many mistresses and wives (and believe me, it was better to be a mistress) and each time, it was hot and sexy, and he was hot and sexy and there really was no reason for the Royal Spluge Catcher because, well… apparently that was the woman’s role… but I digress. What the Irish beautician and I vehemently agreed on, was that whenever we watched those scenes we pulled ourselves out (no pun intended) and said, “But it wasn’t like that at all!” I’ve seen photos. He was fat and bearded and always had a chicken leg in his hand. And what she informed me was – not only that but also he had an infected leg that always pussed out and he smelled really, really rank. So now I think back to all of those hot, steamy scenes and rethink them as him fat, pussing, smelly, and where did he put the chicken leg? He wasn’t Jonathan Rys Myer (spelling?) – who by the way, waited until the last two episodes to actually age – he was Dick Cheney.

Years ago my big brother Evan did what all big brothers do and shattered my illusions that TV and movies will tell you exactly what happened in history when he told me the movie “Mobsters” wasn’t true. “No, Beverly, all those Mafia guys didn’t know each other and hang out together when they were really hot teens.” As a Jew, this was my version of – “There is no Santa Claus.” What? Meyer Lansky wasn’t really hot? So I approached “The Tudors” with a bit of a discerning eye as I had with the miniseries “Rome.” But with both I enjoyed getting a sense of the time, place and costumes as well as how seriously people of the past took religion. “The Tudors” was a fun ride that I think shouldn’t have ended. I think the really hot Mary should continue on along with that kid with buck teeth they got to play Elizabeth. I wonder how many little actors would play Edward who only lived to be 15.MY point is - if they can spin “Joanie Loves Chachi” from “Happy Days” and “Gloria” from “All In The Family” why won’t some station take over this show and call it “Tudor Me” ?

Anyone?