History Repeats Itself (Or at Least History Essays)

One of my 6th grade girls wrote in an essay, “The Spanish Inquisition was when they tried to convert Jews into Spaniards.” I laughed at this until I was reminded of when I used to think that Israel was one of the 50 states. Now, people of Europe who continually shake their heads at Americans’ knowledge of world history, please stop reading this now. I certainly don’t want you to know that at age 16 I went to England during the summer and asked them how they celebrated July 4th. I believe a very stoic Brit replied, “We don’t usually celebrate our losses.” Boy, did that Plymouth Rock my world.

I believed that everything they told us in history classes was The Truth. I also believed that Hollywood movies would teach me everything and I wouldn't have to read textbooks. My brother Evan shot that theory down when he informed me in the ‘80’s that the movie, “Mobsters” (starring a young Patrick Dempsey, ladies) would not teach me what really happened in gangster times as those men didn’t even know each other when they were hot teens. (And was Meyer Lansky ever indeed a hot teen? Patrick Dempsey would have us believe he was.)

So imagine my fears when my Orthodox Jewish school informed me I would be teaching History along with English. Now I had started to learn and love it. I have written screenplays about Kennedys and pilots about politicos, but what did I know from Ancient Times or The Middle Ages? (I think I just heard Europe shriek!) I apologize, parents of my students, who are now reading this. But not to worry! And may I say, “Hashem bless Netflix!” I have watched over 20 documentaries – not Hollywood films (Thanks Evan) and learned oodles. Unfortunately I can’t show any of them to my students, as they are not deemed appropriate, but I did learn enough to help me teach. And may I say they were far more appropriate than me showing Showtime’s “The Tudors,” especially the scene where Henry masturbated while some poor sod had to stand there and hold a basin underneath. Imagine that poor guy showing up to his children’s career day at school and sharing about being “The Royal Spluge Catcher?”

But I digress.

I have learned, watched, read, power pointed and most importantly, gotten away from dates and trivial details and began each lesson with, “You know what was really cool about this time period?” And I know I’m succeeding because in last year’s history class that another teacher taught, one girl hated it so much she always scheduled doctor appointments during that time. Now, my kids get mad if they miss our history lessons. I am very proud of that. I have fallen in love with history and try to inspire that in others.

And as for The Spanish Inquisition remark- it was in an English essay and those girls aren’t up to The Middle Ages yet. But you can bet that girl knows her Greek Gods, and how to pull the brains out of an Egyptian mummy’s nose.

Just as I know that Israel is next to Virginia.

First Hilary, now Toddrick. I'm moving to Canada.

Because our electoral system and American brand of democracy doesn't work.

Yes, I wanted Hilary Rodham Clinton to win in '08. But more importantly, last night, I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY VOTED TODDRICK OFF AMERICAN IDOL!!! As I said, our American democracy system doesn't work. Tim Urban and Katie Whazzhername get to stay and Lilly and Toddrick leave? Because Americans voted for them? Which Americans? The itty bitty 12 year old girls who think Tim is cute and they want to be Katie. This is why we don't let 12 year old girls vote in the Presidential elections. They'd be very confused, since we really don't get anyone cute to run for political office. People thought Obama was handsome, but possibly because that's "as a president." I mean, if he were auditioning for a leading Hollywood role, they'd probably rate him a 6. But as a President, he's a 10. The same can be said for teachers. We don't expect much, so any cuteness is a big thing (not college professors- let me be perfectly clear on this point). When I first started teaching in Inglewood, CA in the '90's every girl wanted me to meet this one teacher (I will withhold names) and went crazy over how hot he was. Well, I went to see for myself. Now I was new to teaching and had just graduated college, so I hadn't lowered the bar yet. Therefore Mr. "Science Teacher", was just eh. But to these girls, after years of History teachers who looked like they actually had been at Gettysburg, well, I guess I understood. But I digress.

How can these people - these itty bitty- under 13 year-old moppets, vote again for cute people that can't sing rather than the ones who can on (as Simon keeps reiterating) A Singing Competition? Last night two people who had the best vocals this week were let go. It's Sanjiya (sp?) all over again. I think, just like in regular elections, they should make it so you have to be 18 or over to vote for American Idol and yes, someone should make sure it's all fair in Florida. Come on. We all knooooow that American Idol was invented for the 40+ crowd like myself. Just like Facebook. We appreciate it more. I mean really, you tweens, can you truly say that you got all the levels of Lilly Scott rewriting a Patsy Cline song? I can? Or Toddrick's gospel version of Queen's "Somebody to Love?" Maybe that's the point. You don't vote for songs that were written when your History teachers were your age.

Enough of my rant, I'm just going to watch week after week as our electoral system is abused and corrupted again and again. Or maybe I should make sure that all people under 13, instead of calling in for Idol winners, punch in their votes with butterfly chads.

There are many ways to watch the Oscars, or as I call it, "The Gay Men's Superbowl."

With good friends, alone, at a big party, or preferably, from the front row, waiting for them to call your name. While I have not yet had the pleasure of doing the latter, I have done quite a few of the former. And I even once went to the dress rehearsals the day before, so I'm getting there. But no matter where or how I watch it, I have a few rituals. One is to eat a whole lot of crap, giving myself an "Oscar belly" for quite some time and the other is to see every movie I possibly can beforehand so I can understand it.

My love of the Oscars probably started when, growing up on the East Coast, my mother allowed me to stay up all the way till 12 or 1 am that one night of the year. I wrote it off and knew that the next day at school I'd feel as horribly as I do now, at 40-something, staying up past 10 pm. :) It was all for the good of the Oscars. And boy were they good. The 1970 and 80's Oscars were quite a show. There were big, tacky, expensive musical numbers and looking back I can't believe how we loved those styles of clothes. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, watch any episode of The Partridge Family.

Back then I also wanted to be an actress. I am sure many of us have practiced our Oscar speeches, and based on the year or who I was mad at, my speeches always thanked some, and made sure certain people were jealous with envy.

When I switched over to writing and started teaching at Compton High, things changed. I changed. I wanted to win that Oscar so that the kids I taught would see someone they had once known, up there, telling them that anything is possible. That Oscar winners, famous people and stars weren't "them" but were us. Could be all of us. That anyone could be a success. And whether the girl from "Precious" won or not, I think she did a good job of demonstrating that tonight, as did Monique.

I enjoyed tonight's broadcast. I ate my crap, had my loved ones around me- the kind who love the show as much as I do but do not talk incessantly - we bet and balloted and laughed and were moved. And that's what the Oscars have always done for me.

Sure, it's not a huge, deep, meaningful event. Sure there are wonderful superficialities, and nothing is better than the hosts pointing that out, but it's still a night of fun and magic. I love the opening songs and monologues. The clips to remind me of what I saw or inspire me of what to see next. I love to see writers honored or people tell us who touched them. Tonight I loved seeing the hosts in snuggies, Monique's speech, the Memorium. I always love to see James Taylor. I loved this year, that they made us care more about subjects like short films- by showing us clips or people whose careers were made because of winning this category.

I guess I like this show because it is about my favorite thing- dreams. And as people on this show achieve theirs, I look in their eyes. I want to know how they got there. Their dreams are no better than the dreams everyone has- of green technology, politics, world peace, teaching, finding cures for diseases, empowering people - it's just a televised moment where I can watch people who have achieved their dreams and then reboot my ambitions and the dreams and ambition of everyone I come in contact with.

The Academy Awards have brought us laughter and tears, fanfare and dance, dazzling dresses, streakers, homages to people who have entertained us over the years. The people aren't better, they may just be shinier. But they are examples to me of people who open their hearts for us and help us open our own. So I enjoy it.

And this year, in the reverse of election '08, Hilary beat Obama for best director. I thought they'd mention that.

Thanks for the escape - people who make movies, thanks for the night of escape and magic- people who make the Oscars, and thank you most of all, people at Ralph's supermarket, who make those powdered sugar brownie bites- I think we went through the whole batch.