What's in my heart

Last summer I did a lot of work one might call "transformative." I did a bunch of courses and camps that begin with the letter "W" (no kidding, things like Wisdom, Warrior and Wizard course). I found my power, bought a house and found the person of my dreams.

And then it all went to poopie.

Or did it? I found that I "manifested" exactly what I wanted, or thought I wanted, and now I see that I didn't appreciate what I had. I saw the negative, or lived in fear of being happy, being close to someone and living big. I was comfortable distanced, negative and "playing small." And it cost me a lot of things, including my happiness.

So I'm on the road to acheiving it. Not by calling forth on things outside myself, but looking and going within. It's a difficult process. Every day it's hard, because every day that I wake up and am not already jumping for joy and hearing blue birds singing, I think "I must be doing it wrong." I expect that if you are positive minded, and love yourself, you wake up giddy with happiness and unable to pull your arms off of yourself. I expected that loving yourself is supposed to feel like when you fall in love with someone else.

I think of George Costanza from "Seinfeld" when he did "opposite day." He did the opposite of everything he normally did and was finally happy. I assumed that if I loved myself I'd want to buy myself gifts, take me to a movie, get turned on by me in boxers... I waited until I had that feeling before I did something nice for myself. I am now going to do the opposite, because it worked for George Costanza.

Perhaps doing loving things for myself will make me happier, or more peaceful and then that will bring about the love I have for myself. And perhaps it's a supportive, peaceful love. Instead of waiting until I think I deserve things, I will give myself things and a certain type of treatment to teach me that I deserve it. And am loveable.

And perhaps, when I buy myself those nice jeans and that cute top, I will look at myself in the mirror and say,

"Well, hello there, you."

And put a red bandana on my door so I know not to come in and interrupt me.

Because I will be busy that night loving myself.