My Visit To New Yawk

Warning: This Blog is written while, sick, while sleep deprived and while still in Queens, NY. So will it be pretty? No it will be bitter, phlegmy, cranky and with a thick accent that takes the “R” out of my name, pronouncing it “Bevuhly.”

What have I learned from this time of sickness and trip to NY to visit family?

Oh so much.

1. When sick, be careful to really check your booking on priceline.com for your hotel. Or, at midnight (eastern time) on what you thought to be your last night at your bare essentials-but-better-than-your-mother’s-offer-to-sleep-on-her-recliner-in-the living-room hotel, you may find that you have no room, as the front desk and the people who are in your room will tell you. And housekeeping has your stuff, don’t worry, but you can’t get to it till 8am. Thank god your cousin (second cousin? Cousin once removed) wanted to borrow your laptop on Passover to fantasize about baseball, so you have that. And you brought a lot of laundry to your muthuh’s (yes, my accent came back too) so it was with you as well. Unfortunately you don’t get the final night at priceline’s negotiated price (thanks a lot, William Shatner) and so you’ll pay a lot more for the bare essentials hotel with the free breakfast. Thank god my 81 year-old fathuh is still doing advertising at The Berklee School of Music (but doesn’t want to be on set for commercials as he has a set routine for his elimination rituals each morning) and gave you a few bucks. It went to a good cause. My new room.

2. We have defined what heroes are as anything from conquerors to firefighters to baseball stars that young boys and adult men fantasize and have fantasy teams about, but I discovered a real unsung hero this trip and I don’t even know her name. But at Giorgio’s Hair Salon in Whitestone, Queens is a woman who has gone where others fear to go, taken on a task too difficult, too harsh, too terrifying for most. God bless whazzhername who tweezed my muthuh so she was presentable on Passover. I will not describe the “Before” description or events; suffice it to say, read my facebook posts for the past week on “tweezergate.” Although Vicki gave my muthuh a wash, cut, color and blow (yes, she blew my muthuh) but oh, Whazzhername, children will have a day off from school in honor of your birthday for years to come for what you do. You turned my muthuh from Zack Gariflakis to the Passover Diva she became. We are all so grateful.

3. I have been to two cousins’ homes and seen the difference between the mothers of 2 boys, surrounded by testosterone all the time vs. my oldest bruthuh living with a wife and a girl. Both female cousins did comment on the need for frequent female companionship, one expressed this in a PG-13 way while the other was more R-rated in her description. Yet my bruthuh, in the house o’ females, lived among Asian prints, fashion sketches and lots of conversations about cooking reality shows and the Disney Channel. I love my niece who in 3rd grade is already writing songs. Please look for Coco Neufeld on the top 40 chart, especially her latest song on Competitive Ice Skaters.

4. Small note. For some reason if a woman has a heavy Queens accent I automatically believe she can kick my ass.

5. If you are a health nut or vegetarian, live in LA, not Queens. Where athe Lollipops Diner’s vegetable platter consisted of carrots, corn and broccoli, separated fashionably by toast triangles.

6. I would rather drive a car then watch my second oldest bruthuh, who does not know how to operate a GPS, get lost while my muthuh with no memory (or so we thought) try to help by pointing out all her thoughts and memories about various streets and milk stores. I.E. The Gps says to turn on Oceanside, but my muthuh drowns it out by saying, “Eddie and Barbara used to live on Oceanside!” And my bruthuh, not turning, asks when he was supposed to. I said to pull over and though high on Claritin, Exedrin Migraine and a steep amount of matzoh, took the reins.

7. It seems that 16 year-old boys, 14 year-old boys and 9 year-old girls all hate Justin Beeber. So who is his fan base?

8. Gerbils, my childhood pets, are illegal in only my state of California. On the other hand, Coffee Beans are in California, but not NY. I guess they chose and split it all up. Also, I was surprised that at the JFK li’l airport free breakfast a flight attendant pointed at me and said, “I know you from my Coffee Bean on Sunset!” Oh, I can neeevvveer get away from my fan base. I imagine all the New Yawkers around us didn’t know what he was talking about. As they held their pet gerbils.

Ok, I’m waiting for my bruthuh and the rental car and the GPS (sans my freshly tweezed muthuh) to come get me. I wish we had an earlier flight back home, but of course, we wanted to really soak up as much of New Yawk as possible so I can bring it to you, my fan base, who stalks me at JFK Hotel free breakfasts.