Morning, People.

Yesterday I had lunch with a woman fostering a child, who said that when woken up each morning the child would yell and if this was the case at four, what kind of person would they grow up to be? I answered that perhaps rather than interpreting the child’s blatting as an indication that she would be on the streets hooking at age 14, perhaps the kid just wasn’t a morning person. I have discovered that, over the years, I am not a morning person and this, added to the fact that I am too much of a human muppet and that would be just wrong - have led me away from the path of hooking. Your’e welcome, Los Angeles, although the nontaxable income would have been nice.

I remember visiting a married couple, back in my twenties, and my head was Matrix-ly spun around at the concept that someone could want to not talk to someone in the morning and it could be ok- even accepted - by the spouse. I woke up, saw the husband out on the balcony with a coffee and a newspaper and the wife, in the living room, perfectly happy and not talking to him, telling me: “He needs the first 45 minutes each morning by himself.”

What? One could get that? Ask for that? Receive that? And not be thought of as a/an (insert evil word here). Turns out, it’s true! In a recent relationship, first I didn’t know to ask for this and hurt the other person by being that (reinsert evil word again) and basically a big grump. Then we negotiated, and as long as they were first greeted in a sweet manner, I could then go on and be a grumpy huffalump for a set amount of time. Amazing!!!

Now single again, I have found ways to design the morning and actually like it, especially since for some reason, the gods, Baby Jesus, Allah, Hashem, etc… have deemed it necessary for me to wake up before 7am every morning whether I need it or not. I have managed to turn this into a pleasurable experience. Here’s the formula:

1. Get a job that doesn’t require you to show up until 11am. No needing to be nice to kids until it’s almost lunch time.
2. Wake up to kittens who FINALLY WAIT FOR YOU TO WAKE UP, and then play around your body and kiss your face till you smile. (Make sure you rotate them around a bit because if a kitten licks the same spot for too long, it gets all sandpapery and a hole develops in your cheek).
3. Walk to Coffee Bean with your laptop. Let the sun shine on you if you’re in Los Angeles, bring an umbrella if you’re in Seattle, and if you live in Chicago, do not leave your house until June.
4. Once at Coffee Bean, have the baristas so well trained that they know what you want and hand it to you, so you don’t have to speak. This is actually a sweet, simple pleasure and beckons back to a time when Norm could walk into Cheers and everyone called out his name.
5. Download your favorite TV shows on your computer and bring a headset.
6. Tune out the world and wake up slowly to other people’s dramas, comedies, time periods, etc. For me, it’s not reality shows, but old friends as you pour that caffeine (and water for hydration) into your awakening body.
7. Stop every now and then to write witty facebook comments and laugh by the witty comments your friends write back to you, and each other. Be proud of the wittiness of you and your friends.
8. By the time you’re done, Coffee Bean friends have shown up. You can exchange witticisms, inspirational messages and observations. They too are waking up and so you’re helping each other with brief interactions, building to deeper afternoon ones.
9. Walk back home listening to some boppy Paul Simon tunes on Pandora, preferably from the album he made in/about/with? Africans. “Diamonds on the soles of her shoes…” “You can call me Al.”
10. Go home, eat, do your rituals, and as you change into your Jew skirt for work, believe me, you’ll miss the morning and your jeans.
11. Sometimes I hike Runyon Canyon and belt out showtunes. This makes my morning fun but possibly no one else’s there.

All of this sets me up and puts me into that lovely mood for work that most people who have been teaching since 8am don’t understand. I go in ready to make my coworkers smile and laugh, tease a few kids and try to get in some teaching as well.

Hope this helps. If some of you go to work earlier, I suggest more coffee, more kitten kisses, - this is a crazy idea but some people seem to like exercise – or find someone like me who has had 5 hours to get in a good mood and exchange snarky comments.

Whoops- it’s almost 10 am. Gotta get back home.

“Me and Julio Down By The School Yard…”