The Marriage Of Head And Heart

Many children, myself included, find various difficulties growing up, a few heartaches, a multitude of “owies” and must therefore come up with different ways to cope and survive. One such way is retreating into the wonderful and amazing world of the head. Some children develop rich inner lives – exhilarating fantasies, worlds where things work out, they are the star and everything is safe. Some just become more head centered.

I am not sure what percentage of my life I spend in my head. Some will tell you 80%. A few upset exes might say 100%. And some mellow, non neurotic Jewish friends might say- wow, you’re really emotional- 30%. Apparently it’s subjective.

In my writing, I often come up with machine gun fire dialogue - “He’d say this then she’d say this and then he’d say this funny line, etc...” and later, when stopped by a wise mentor, it will be pointed out to me that in this situation, there would be a big emotional beat that I seemed to have missed. I then see it so clearly, but didn’t at first. And did I say writing? So many times in my conversations with people, I feel for them, but at the same time my mind whizzes at 100mph. Often, I assume, taking me away from the emotions?

One time I did a very controversial exercise where people had to enrage and almost choke you, while you opened up your heart and withstood it. When it was my turn, the minute someone placed their hands on my neck I fainted (and I’m not a fainter). I got up and tried again. Hands, drop. The facilitator came over and whispered in my ear, “Your heart and head are so separated.” I didn’t think, I just heard, and the next time, hands went on, my heart shone and I withstood. And when we all sat down, I suddenly burst into tears. It really hit me how separated and fragmented those parts of me could be.

Now don’t get me wrong. I love my fast-paced, witty mind. But I want to choose when to use it, not be used by it. I want to allow my heart to guide and inform me, open it up and be open to all that other hearts have to offer. The other night I listened to the first chapter of a book written by a friend and was very moved by the sensuality and emotional details of her writing. And I am committed to having that access for myself.

I am going to focus on the depth in my writing and decided to sit down today and write a blog about all this, from my heart. Be vulnerable, honest and share.

And as I write this, I think- the title of my blog- “What’s In My Head”- perhaps in time, may need to be altered. ☺