Perhaps It's A Good Thing I Don't Have Kids

I remember once, on “Frasier” before Niles had a kid they told him to practice with a sack of flour first, to see how he’d do. He left the sack everywhere, it ripped, spilled and was pretty emaciated by the end of the test. So maybe the flour was an indication that he shouldn’t be a dad.

And if my kittens are any indication of my abilities as a parent of little humans, then it’s probably good I don’t have any.

First, allowed to name the first one, I dubbed the little fellow, “Prince Stanley Fuzzbucket III.” Yes, I know there were no other Fuzzbuckets before him but it added a bit of sophistication to this little scratchy street-born baby.

So issue number one: If given the chance to name my own child, you can bet little Farnsworth Dingus would get his ass kicked up and down the schoolyard.

The next was our second kitten. A lovely girl named Isabelle. Until three weeks later, when the vet informed us that Isabelle was not a girl. Now, many months later, little Isaboy delights us with his fanciful ways.

So issue number two: If you thought my first child would get his ass kicked, my second child, “It’s Pat” would definitely have to take boxing lessons to make it through our public school system.

Which brings me to my next point. My male cat children are not masculine. At all. In one day, Fuzzy was running around with the rainbow gay flag in his mouth while Isaboy was playing with ponytail holders and (unused) tampons.

More ass kicking.

Next: The older one has some odd health issues and the little one isn’t the sharpest bulb in the shed. Fuzzy, again, off the street, scratched, had a cold, no eyebrows and gum problems – all before age 1. Now he may have asthma, and the gum problem? I was told he might have been exposed to herpes, possibly through his mother. HERPES???? Apparently Fuzzy is the son of the town whore (by his BIOLOGICAL mother, not me). This tainted for life, son of a harlot also doesn’t take pills very well. He spits them up, producing a Santa Claus beard of drool- that disgusts me and I have to sop him up with a paper towel as I do this. Yech.

And as the poster boy of Health Reform is doing all this, my little genius, Isaboy watches a blank TV set. I mean it’s off. And he gets on top of it, looks down and stares at nothing. He also chases his tail. Over and over again. Each time, I think he is sure that he’s going to capture that odd foreign object. Definitely. Oh, but just when I think Fuzzy is the smart one, we changed to a hypoallergenic litter for Fuzzy’s possible asthma, and he started eating it. Even Baby Einstein knew what it was, pissed on it and yet Fuzzy still went back for seconds.

So in summation: It’s a good thing I didn’t birth humans, because other cats don’t see these two prizes and can’t kick their little furry tushies all over the schoolyard. But if they’d been human children, these little asthmatic, transgendered, addle-brained kids with odd names and who would eat out of the school toilets- would never have a chance.

But maybe it wouldn’t be like that. Maybe it’s nature, not nurture.

I’d just have to make sure I didn’t get my kids off Craig’s List.

Debunking Two Popular Sayings

There are a few sayings and adages that have stood the test of time, and someone might ask, "Who are you to debunk them?" But of course I must answer, "Who am I not to debunk?" So debunk I go. I've always been a bit of a maverick, an "off the beaten path kinda girl" if you will. Remember, I don't like "Glee" and as a child, I didn't like the musical "Cats." And I love me some Broadway musicals and cats. But I didn't like 'em together. Just like I love superhero outfits and bedrooms, but don't wanna see one in there. But i digress.

Saying # 1: "Do Unto Others As You Would Like Done Unto You."

Hogwartswash. They say in this economy that gold doesn't drop in value, but this little Golden Rule, my friend, just doesn't work. Instead, I propose you ask others what it is they actually want and then "Do Unto Others What They Actually Want Done To Them" to be the new mantle. While we all agree that it's the "thought that counts," sometimes your thought needs to be transferred into an action. For example, in many cases, men and women are different. Quite a few males believe that if they have a problem, what they would like would be to fix it. So one day a man hears his lady love in a crisis and quickly tells her solutions. Does she want that? Possibly not. She may want sympathy, to be heard, held, etc. (I'm not stereotyping - just giving an example.) I never read a book called "The Five Languages Of Love" but I feel qualified to refer to it. People have different needs and want to be taken care of in different ways. If I'm upset and what would hit the spot would be an episode of "Modern Family," ice cream and a cat, should I try provide those to the next bloke with a conflict? I say, "Nay." So have that thought of helping, think what you would want done unto you if you'd like and then ASK the person what they need. 'Nuff said.

Saying # 2: "Time Is Money."

False. While I might not have a business head (see a future blog on "Making Real Estate Deals with Gay Shamen") I am very sure that this formula is inadequate. I state that they are inversely proportional to each other. (Now if you don't remember, that's opposing). For example: If I need to go to San Francisco and see my beloved brother Joe, I could spend time and save money by taking a bus, or save time and spend money by taking a plane. If they did equal each other I wouldn't have to choose so often.

While these are tried and true statements, I also heard a take on a lesser known one to also debunk, while we're at it. At the musical "Urinetown" (it was better than "Cats!") which was corny, a father saw his daughter walk into his office and he stated:

"Hope! What an unexpected surprise!"

To which she replied:

"Is there any other kind?"

How true and so simple, I wonder why it had never been pointed out to me before. I told this to friends and a gay male friend (not the Shaman) commented, "Yeah, it's like "assless chaps. Chaps are always assless." I'm not so sure it's the same thing, but I respect that thought and promise never to say, "My, I'm parched. I need some assless chapstick."

Please respond with some favorite quotes and sayings you too might want to debunk.

I'm Sorry GLEE, It's Not You. It's Me.

Right now I'm watching Glee for the umpteenth time, trying to like it and I just can't. The songs are fun and of course I like Jane Lynch, but it's too cartoony. And not funny cartoony. In fact I'm so not into it that I'm blogging during it. I am sorry America. I know I'm supposed to like this and Cougartown and Community, but I don't. And worst of all, the most unforgivable crime one can commit -I don't like "30 Rock." What? I know. It's like being the one person who didn't love "Cats." I am told I AM Tina Fey and of course I want to be into the Emmy winners, but I have tried and tried but it too feelts a bit cartoony and Trace Morgan annoyed me away. And yes, America, I have given them chances. Time after time.

I like shows with stories, relationships and complexities. Lost had me at episode four for character development. Brothers & Sisters got me through a tough time. I cried with those Walkers and felt better about my life. At least my father didn't have an affair, one, maybe two love children that my brother then meets, discovers is not his sister and married… Did I say the shows I like were realistic? Either they're dramatic and have many levels (I trust you with my life, HBO), or it's really way out there (God bless The Office and Family Guy - both of which took a while for me to get into.)

Why do I stick with some of these shows and then I change my opinion and like them, and other times I don't? Well, I have my own strange, quirky tastes. But it's not just me giving up, We should also ask how come both America and the networks give some shows a longer time to find an audience than others? Some shows grow on you. Some they snip before they bloom.

My brother, Joe (I mention him from time to time) asked me why, when both shows weren't doing well when they debuted, "Seinfeld" lasted and became a cult fave, but Chris Elliott's "Get A Life" lasted 2 seasons and then tanked. Both went on the air in 1990. Neither did very well. He believes that Seinfeld became a "hit" around season five and the other show (He loved it, I remember it about a grown paperboy living with his parents) died after two seasons. I told him about character likability, politics, marketing and even where they are put in the lineup. Maybe it's on at a sucky night or time. And we all have our war stories. I can't believe they killed "My So Called Life", "Jack and Bobby", "Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip" and by now they've yanked "The Deep End." (On a trivial note, Matt Long was on both "Jack & Bobby" and "The Deep End"). These were good dramas.

So, if the network gods keep a show on the air for a while, how long will it take for me to know if it's meant for me or not? ot?

I think I used to ask this question about relationships.

Hmm.

So perhaps it's not Glee's fault. I'm just scared to open up and let it in.

From Dwarves to Passover Wigs

I just came from a meeting at Disney and I had the best time. Tomorrow I go back to teaching Jews.

Last year around this exact time, or a little earlier, I also had a meeting with Disney. And then went back to teaching Jews.

I remember this because I walked onto the studio lot last year on a sunny morning, with Starbucks in hand, and saw a huge beautiful doorway flanked by statues of dwarves. I was overcome with happiness. How great would it be to wake up every morning and be greeted by that? Or walk down "Dopey Street" and hang a left at "Sleepy Drive"? You bet I'd whistle while I worked. That meeting had been with a friend from film school who brought me in to discuss concepts for a Disney channel show. I had fun, pitched some stuff, talked creativity, then drove from there to work, at an Orthodox Jewish school, changing into my requisite long skirt, with my clavicle, ankles and elbows covered and arrived to see a notice in the office that said:

"Passover Wigs on Sale."

Now I have nothing against Passover wigs. I didn't even know they existed, or that when Moses split the Red Sea it would one day be celebrated in such a manner, and I'm always in favor of a good sale- no that was not it. It's just that I had wanted to be in entertainment all my life, and it was a very jarring moment to go from dwarves to Passover wigs in the span of an hour.

Again, nothing against where I work or its customs. I love the people, I love affecting kids' lives, I love the free coffee. And most especially I love going in every day and making people laugh or smile. That's really what my job has been this year and I have embraced it. Years ago, when I was a teacher at Compton High a friend told me once, "Beverly, just for one year, why don't you try teaching and admit that you like it?" I had a hard time with that. Back then I'd wanted to be an actor. And I might have taught drama and produced musicals and changed peoples' lives, but I'd had this dream and I wasn't living it. The dream has since changed from acting to writing, and I have changed from The Hood to the Hebrews, but I still have that dream - and it is now to write for a one hour top television show. At the same time, this year I have admitted that I love making people happy and making a difference. And I do that with my classes, coworkers, friends and writing. But i still have this dream.

So today my writing partner and I went to Disney, met with the world's nicest exec, and had a really fun time. When he talked about what shows we liked, what shows we would want to write for and what we could add to it, I was in heaven. I hope I do get staffed. I hope I get to be on a show and be creative and make a difference and educate and enlighten and make more people laugh and be inspired.

And tomorrow, when I return to my Jewish school I will be glad to see the community I've come to love. And the kids who make me laugh, and the creative programs I've helped create, and the friends I share wonderful sarcastic moments with. Did I mention we have trees? And I love my bosses? I am very lucky.

Although the Passover wigs may be at an even better price now because Passover is over ( all the Easter candy is now at 1/2 price) and I didn't see any dwarves today (it was the ABC building) I will be happier going back to work this time.

I am closer to my dream than I've ever been and I am also quite happy on this strange and odd path I'm already on to get there.

By 2030 All People Will Do What They Love and Love What They Do.

This is my impossible promise to the world. It is who I am; it is what I bring to the table.

I am in a year long course called “Power & Contribution” and it meets in San Francisco 5x this year, culminating in a “Conference on Global Transformation” in May. There are over 150 people in this course, from all over the world, and they also have their promises as well. We even have a Facebook page dedicated to this conversation. It is the one without photos of babies and cats and what celebrity we look like.

I had resistance to signing up for this course. I didn’t want to fly out to San Francisco 5x, it was expensive, I’d have to take off from work… but then I got that my main resistance was in being powerful and in being a contribution. And I was using, as always, time and money as my excuses not to do something great. So I leaped. I signed up, not knowing how to pay for it and miracles appeared. I won a teleplay contest that paid 2 ½ x what the course cost. I found friends to share the hotel rooms and most importantly, I came early each time and made sure I saw my brother Joe before each weekend. And that has been one of the biggest contributions of this course yet. I had not seen him for two years. Now I have seen him 3x already. Often he picks me up at the airport and we catch up and also engage in dialogue about this course and what it provides. And I have to say, one of the biggest things I have gotten out of this course, is my brother. And that’s worth the world.

Tomorrow night I meet with two people who are planning to do this course and I made a summary of some of the teachings and some personal lessons I have taken away for myself. For four weekends so far, I have watched 150+ humans from all over the world take on their petty problems and their mighty ones- all of the distractions and obstacles that get in the way of each of us being extraordinary people. I have watched a blind woman serenade a man on his birthday, a 60+man finally let go of the pain of his childhood and now come from strength. I saw a Vietnam Vet finally forgive himself for going to Viet Nam and then an ex hippie forgave Viet Nam itself. I’ve seen courageous personal acts by people from around the globe as they cleared the paths to their promises. When we get in that room we don’t talk about what’s wrong, we talk about what can be. And each person speaks their promise- what they’re giving their lives over to. World peace, dialogues and harmony, parks for all, people being really heard and self expressed, children empowered and so much more. And in that room, in these conversations, so much gets created and we realize we are a team for a huge future. A huge future for all of us. It really moves me.

It has moved me to go back and see my family, to go into work each day and just make everyone around me happy, to encourage my loved ones to dream and fulfill on those dreams. It has made me see what stops me from truly loving people and to take that on and smash it so I can begin the important work we are all here to do.

It inspired me to write this blog, so others can see promises for themselves. That wake them up in the morning, that allow them to be able to choose what is a priority to them, to design our global future and not feel like victims of circumstances.

To all the artists and scientists, builders and teachers, mentors and craftsmen, leaders and contributors –

By 2030 all people will do what they love and love what they do.

It starts with a dream.

What's yours?